The Legalities & Ethics of Consanguineous Marriage

Austrolabe has an interesting post on consanguineous marriage and a poignant one for many Muslims. One major problem cited is the lack of awareness and attention brought to this by the “leaders” of the community.

Lack of awareness in the Muslim community on this issue can be attributed mostly to widespread ignorance of the advances of modern medicine (esp. in the area of genetics) amongst the community at large, as well as to an over simplistic view of the harms caused by something deemed “Halal” by the local Shaykh, Imam, or religious minded pundit.

This attitude on the part of both “leaders” and laymen in our times however is foreign to classical Islamic Legal discourse. Islamic legal experts designated diseases and defects that would adversely affect offspring as ones that would allow a spouse to annul the marriage after contract. A fortiori, such defects, if disclosed previously, people would not then contract marriage because of, and as such marrying such a person would range between disliked to forbidden based on the presumed amount of effect it would have on the offspring, if any. [most chapters on 'uyub 'l-nikah mention this principle].

A modern collorary of this would include the use of planned parenthood, birth control, and other preventative measures such as pre-marital screening, etc.

A specialist in Pediatric genetics here in Saudi Arabia told me once that one thing that makes his job harder is the tendency of locals to believe the local “shaykh” (who may often be just a religious minded person and not a legal scholar) over the facts presented after testing and counseling.
People are usually told “Its Halal, you can’t make Haram the Halal; Its as if this man is blaming God for your child. Don’t worry, your child will be fine.”
To reply said he usually gives them an example to think of, saying: “Eating watermelon is Halal, right? Well lets say you eat so much watermelon that you stuff yourself, then get a belly ache, indigestion, etc. etc. It’s Halal, right? But you didn’t cause your belly ache, God did, right?”

More links (News & Scientific links) on the issue here @ TariqNelson

Ibn Ashour on al-Nisa verse 34 (spousal reprimand)

Muhammad Al-Tahir ibn ‘Ashour says in Al-Tahrir wal-Tanwir:

((Men are maintainers of women; because of what Allah has bestowed for some of them upon others… and those that you fear from bad conduct then admonish them verbally, then abandon them in their beds, and then hit them. If they obey you then do not transgress against them, Verily Allah is most high and great.))

Those being addressed in {that you fear} are the either the husbands … it is also conceivable that those being addressed are those communally capable of performing these actions, thus including both husbands and the local authorities; each group would then take responsibility for the actions they are responsible for.

This is similar to the most high’s statement in Surat Al-Baqarah ((It is not permissible for you to take from them that which you have given them except if the two of them fear that they will fulfill the boundaries set by Allah; If you fear that they will not fulfill the boundaries…)) 2:229

Here {…for you…} is addressing the husbands, while {… If you fear that…} is addressing the authorities. As mentioned in Al-Kash-shaf : “This type of conjunction is not rare in the Quran…”
Meaning that this is similar to the verses in Surat Al-Saff ((And you [all] believe in Allah and his messenger…)) until ((And give glad tidings to the believers)). The verb {…give glad tidings…} is conjoined to {…and you [all] believe…} i.e. this address is applicable to all, but since it cannot come from other than the Messenger it what specified as his duty.

This reading/interpretation was held by Ata’ who said “A man must not hit his wife; instead he shows her his anger.”

Ibn ‘Arabi said: “This is from the juristic insight of Ata’, his understanding of the Shari’ah, and his ability of deduction and inference; He comprehended that the order to hit here was one of permissibility [as opposed to obligation], as he also comprehended the disdain for doing so found in other texts such as ‘Never will the best of you hit.’”

I [Ibn 'Ashour] see Ata’s insight as even more far-reaching than that viewed by Ibn al’Arabi, being that he placed these things as needed due to their substantiating evidences, a large group of scholars agreeing with this understanding…

…as for hitting then this is a dangerous thing, and is difficult to set the limits of. It was permitted [to be used] in a time of apparent corruption, i.e. the woman having transgressed then. However, it is imperative to set the boundaries of such a thing (which would be described in the [works of] Fiqh) being that if such a thing was left unrestricted for husbands to pursue, they would more than likely (while in a state of venting their anger) transgress the bounds that were set, being that there are few who truly reprimand according to wrong committed.
With this in mind, the base rule of the Shari’ah is that no one passes a judgment by himself, if not a case of necessity. All the same, the majority of scholars [those that ascribe to the first meaning] restricted application to a state of safety from harm, and that the one who hits not be one doing so for harm and denigration.

With this we say: It is permissible for the Authorities, if they know that the husbands are not fit for applying legislated reprimands properly, nor do they have the capability to prevent themselves from transgressing bounds, they then have the ability to prevent them from applying such reprimands and declare that whoever was to hit his wife would be punished, so as to prevent harm between spouses, especially at times when personal restraint is weak.

 

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا (34)

والمخاطب بضمير { تخافون } إمَّا الأزواج ، فتكون تعْدية ( خاف ) إليه على أصل تعدية الفعل إلى مفعوله ، نحو { فلا تخافوهم وخافون } [ آل عمران : 175 ] ويكون إسناد { فعظوهن واهجروهن واضربوهن } على حقيقته .

ويجوز أن يكون المخاطب مجموع من يصلح لهذا العمل من وُلاَة الأمور والأزواج؛ فيتولّى كلّ فريق ما هو من شأنه ، وذلك نظير قوله تعالى في سورة البقرة ( 229 ) { ولا يَحلّ لكم أن تأخذوا مما آتيتموهن شيئاً إلا أن يخافا ألا يقيما حدود الله فإن خفتم أن لا يقيما حدود الله } إلخ . فخطاب ( لكم ) للأزواج ، وخطاب { فإن خفتم } [ البقرة : 229 ] لولاة الأمور ، كما في «الكشّاف» . قال : ومثل ذلك غير عزيز في القرآن وغيره . يريد أنّه من قبيل قوله تعالى في سورة الصفّ ( 11 13 ) : { تؤمنون بالله ورسوله } إلى قوله : { وبشر المؤمنين } فإنّه جعل ( وبشّر ) عطفاً على ( تؤمنون ) أي فهو خطاب للجميع لكنّه لمّا كان لا يتأتّى إلاّ من الرسول خصّ به . وبهذا التأويل أخذ عطاء إذ قال : لا يضرب الزوج امرأته ولكن يغضب عليها . قال ابن العربي : هذا من فقه عطاء وفهمه الشريعة ووقوفه على مظانّ الاجتهاد علم أنّ الأمر بالضرب هنا أمر إباحة ، ووقف على الكراهية من طريق أخرى كقول النبي ” ولن يضرب خياركم ” . وأنا أرى لعطاء نظرا أوسع ممّا رآه له ابن العربي : وهو أنّه وضع هاته الأشياء مواضعها بحسب القرائن ، ووافقه على ذلك جمع من العلماء ، قال ابن الفرس : وأنكروا الأحاديث المرويَّة بالضرب . وأقول : أو تأوّلوها . والظاهر أنّ الإذن بالضرب لمراعاة أحوال دقيقة بين الزوجين فأذن للزوج بضرب امرأته ضرب إصلاح لقصد إقامة المعاشرة بينهما؛ فإن تجاوز ما تقتضيه حالة نشوزها كان معتديا .

ولذلك يكون المعنى واللاتي تخافون نشوزهن } أي تخافون سوء مغبّة نشوزهنّ ، ويقتضي ذلك بالنسبة لولاة الأمور أنّ النشوز رفع إليهم بشكاية الأزواج ، وأنّ إسناد { فعظوهن } على حقيقته ، وأمّا إسناد { واهجروهن في المضاجع } فعلى معنى إذن الأزواج بهجرانهنّ ، وإسناد { واضربوهن } كما علمت .

وضمير المخاطب في قوله : { فإن أطعنكم } يجري على التوزيع ، وكذلك ضمير { فلا تبغوا عليهن سبيلاً } .

والحاصل أنّه لا يجوز الهجر والضرب بمجرّد توقّع النشوز قبل حصوله اتّفاقاً ، وإذا كان المخاطب الأزواج كان إذنا لهم بمعاملة أزواجهم النواشز بواحدة من هذه الخصال الثلاث ، وكان الأزواج مؤتمنين على توخّي مواقع هذه الخصال بحسب قوّة النشوز وقدره في الفساد ، فأمّا الوعظ فلا حدّ له ، وأمّا الهجر فشرطه أن لا يخرج إلى حدّ الإضرار بما تجده المرأة من الكمد ، وقد قدّر بعضهم أقصاه بشهر .

وأمّا الضرب فهو خطير وتحديده عسير ، ولكنّه أذن فيه في حالة ظهور الفساد؛ لأنّ المرأة اعتدَتْ حينئذ ، ولكن يجب تعيين حدّ في ذلك ، يبيّن في الفقه ، لأنّه لو أطلق للأزواج أن يتولّوه ، وهم حينئذ يشْفُون غضبهم ، لكان ذلك مظنّة تجاوز الحدّ ، إذ قلّ من يعاقب على قدر الذنب ، على أن أصل قواعد الشريعة لا تسمح بأن يقضي أحد لنفسه لولا الضرورة . بيد أنّ الجمهور قيّدوا ذلك بالسلامة من الإضرار ، وبصدوره ممّن لا يعدّ الضرب بينهم إهانة وإضراراً . فنقول : يجوز لولاة الأمور إذا علموا أنّ الأزواج لا يحسنون وضع العقوبات الشرعية مواضعَها ، ولا الوقوفَ عند حدودها أن يضربوا على أيديهم استعمال هذه العقوبة ، ويعلنوا لهم أنّ من ضرب امرأته عوقب ، كيلا يتفاقم أمر الإضرار بين الأزواج ، لا سيما عند ضعف الوازع .

PSA (6): Mercy in the marital relationship

Previously in this series:

- Public Service Announcement: The Wali in Islam (1)

- PSA (2): Why the Wali?

- PSA (3): Why the Wali (continued)?

- PSA (4): What does a Wali look for? (Main objectives of Islam)

- PSA (5): the Wali’s role in ensuring comfort, affection, and mercy

Mercy in the Marital relationship

When speaking on mercy in the marital relationship, everyone must realize that even though some people appear merciful, they are anything but. Therefore its important for anyone entering or advising someone to enter a relationship to keep in mind those things that bring about healthy relationships in which mercy is manifest. Many of these ingredients, even though we must strive for them after marriage, can be somewhat inferred before marriage through knowledge of that person, their parent’s relationship, their overall family structure, and many aspects of their socio-economic status.

To identify the relationship ingredients necessary to achieve marital satisfaction, six categories of behaviors which can lead a couple to marital satisfaction or bust are mentioned below. Many of these points are taken from here, and relevent Islamic texts and advice of scholars was added. Remember “Wisdom is the lost object of the believer; wherever he finds it it becomes his” and even though this is not a hadith of the Messenger, many scholars of the past affirmed its truth and examples of its application can be found in many narrations.

Expression of Affection

Affection in a relationship is expressed through both words and actions.

It is reported that the Messenger once said to Aishah “I know when you are pleased with me and I know when you are mad.” She said “And when is that?” He said “When you are pleased you say ‘By the Lord of Muhammad’ and when you are mad you say ‘By the Lord of Abraham.” She replied “True, but the only thing I leave off is your name.”[Bukhari 5228]

Affection in new relationships might seem to come easy, but the real trick is to develop and sustain a genuine level of affection over time. In the above we see that a firm relationship between two people stays that way, even when communication breaks down. The Prophet’s knowledge of his wife’s tone and usage in indicative of not just his hearing his wife’s words, but also of the importance he gave to her change in mood and the fact that he listened to (not just heard) her and contemplated her statements. Aishah’s reply to the Prophet shows us that emotions, like clouds, can block out the light. The sun however continues to shine and the skies eventually clear.

A Wali (guardian) who is considering a person for marriage should look to see if this type of insightfulness is found in the person seeking marriage. Does he/she look for the little things that matter to the person in my care? Does this person seem thoughtful? Are these characteristics found in their parents or those that they befriend? Many of these questions can not be answered in a day and night, which shows the importance of community interaction. By knowing others with children/siblings who may be peers (or close to it) to those in your care, a concerned Wali can take time in considering a suitable suitors.

Early on in many of our relationships, we usually pay a great deal of attention to each other and behave thoughtfully in a variety of ways. No doubt, this is a major selling point in attraction to a relationship. However, much of that attention will never be known if one key element is absent before and after the commencement of a relationship: Communication.

“Life begins with…” - thoughts on abortion and conception

I’ve been meaning for a while to complete the post on Freakonomics and Abortion. That series of posts is really not on the book so much as it is my thoughts on issues brought up in the book, along with a small chapter summary. (for previous posts see 1 2 3 4)

Abortion is a big topic, and one that throws a person (in context of modern American discourse) between being labeled a “baby killer” or a “male chauvinist” who wishes nothing but to dominate the lives of women and their right to bear a child. Well in this post we will discuss neither of the two extremes, but instead take a reductionist approach to the issue. Bear minimums here on applicable issues, evidences, and arguments.

Now what I mean by that last sentence is that many times when an issue is discussed in “Fiqh” both sides will gruel it out throwing left hooks with hadith and blocking wing-chung style showing the weakness of attack. However when you take a reductionist approach to an issue, you will in the end skip all that argumentation which, although good exercise for the mind, doesn’t really solve much and kind of brings you back to where you started.

A reductionist view of the Abortion argument

When looking at the issue of abortion, what are the essential issues at hand? Parental rights to the procreation of a child is definitely a major issue, as is circumstance in which the child was conceived. But the last word in the latter sentence is what really means something to this argument, i.e. conceived or “conception”. So what is conception? How is conception viewed in Islamic law? Does “life” start at conception?

Scholars of Islam debated whether life starts at conception, the combining of the sperm and the egg and the subsequent creation of the zygote, or whether conception was to be taken to mean the combining of the soul with the flesh.

Those that defended the first position cited the fact that in the hadith of the “Ghurrah” (see Bulugh al-Maram*) the woman who hit the other in the stomach and caused her to have a miscarriage was fined for her action having to pay a “ghurrah” (a child slave - male or female) for causing the miscarriage. This then shows that life started at conception, as the hadith does not mention which trimester she was in, but instead mentions the miscarriage being of the “janin” i.e. the fetus “hidden” in the womb. So since she was fined for this crime of killing the fetus, this shows that the fetus deserved the legal status of life and all that it entails, even though the fetus was not viable.

Those that said that life begins with the soul meeting the flesh, used the hadith of Ibn Masoud in Muslim “…then the soul is blown into it, and four things are written…” this occurring after three forty-day periods, i.e. 120 days. So the fetus is not considered a “life” until it combines with the soul. As such if the fetus was aborted before this point, one would not be considered to have killed a “human soul” but instead it would be similar to chopping off a limb. The proponents of this opinion counter the evidence of the first group of scholars by saying that if the child had been considered a “life” then the punishment would have been equal to that paid for any other person killed unknowingly, i.e. the full blood-wit (diyah, دية).

Since the women was not fined that amount, it means that she had committed something equivalent to chopping off a limb of the attacked. Therefore group two concludes that aborting a fetus before 120 days is permitted, even if it is disliked.

Some scholars of the second group take the logic a step further and say that if a person was to have grown a sixth toe or finger, or have a growth of flesh on their body, that no one would blame them for amputating it, and likewise if a women were to abort her fetus before 120 days it would nothing more than amputation of a bodily growth.

Ethics of the argument

Someone may say “Well why say that it is permitted? Wouldn’t that cause more problems than it solves?” Yes and no. If we take the hard-line approach that abortion is not allowed in any case, then things much worse than abortion will happen, in addition to the abortion. For instance, during the seventies when free-love was still in effect, and abortion laws were as well, many women instead of living with the fact that they were responsible for their actions, would opt for an abortion. Since abortions were illegal in most (if not all) states at that time, they would simply lie and say they were raped. The more prying the investigator, the more graphic the rape scene, and yes you guessed it, many of those accused of rape just happened to fit the generic description of being 6 ft. black males. Terrible as it may sound, and not to discredit valid claims of rape, but this generalization holds some truth. The easiest way to blind others of their own values is to play on their prejudices and superstitions. If however a “no questions asked” policy was taken for abortions, people would not have been falsely accused, and a whole lot of paperwork and mental anguish would not have occurred (not to mention heightened racial tensions).

Now let’s look at it for another angle: If we take a very soft-line approach to abortion, this means that any woman, any time, will be able to abort her child. Married or unmarried, from rape or consensual sex, all she needs to do is come in for an abortion. Now while this may seem like the better of the two scenarios, you still run into moral dilemmas. What if the father wants the baby, and the mother doesn’t? What if she cheats on him, and wants to get rid of the evidence? What if, what if… and we can what-if all day.

However, many of those what-ifs lead back to the moral decision of the woman, of which she is the only one that can make that decision. Yes as hard as it is to swallow (and using one of the worst examples in mind), if a woman cheated on her husband, had an abortion, and never told anyone, it would be her in front of God on the day of Judgment, with the sin of adultery and the abortion of her fetus.

Lets say she decided to keep the child, raise it as her husbands, and quietly go about her life. She wouldn’t be harming anyone would she? Well take the long terms consequences into consideration, and yes she would. Most important to this situation are those moral decisions related to the next-life.

So while she may hide her sin and abort the child in the first scenario, at best dealing with one sin in the hereafter and at worst with two, then in the second scenario she would not only be dealing with the sin of adultery, along with (possibly that of) abortion, and the sin of attributing a child to other than it’s father, additionally she would deal with the consistent lies she would have to tell to cover her tracks. She could admit to it all, and expiate her sin in this life, but “…an exercise in weighing the consequences of one’s actions will have a profound effect on the faith of the individual…” and that is a decision better left to the one making it. What type of mental health considerations are taken when dealing with someone requesting an abortion?

A third scenario arises, and that is when two spouses disagree as to whether they are ready to have a child at this time. I’ll leave that discussion for another time, as it has much more to do with the issue of coitus interruptus (arabic: عزل) than it does so much with the issue of abortion.

So which of the two approaches is preferred? The more authoritarian approach which restricts all cases of abortion or the more libertarian approach that allows it in all cases? Both sides seem to have their strengths and weaknesses. A libertarian approach is still viable for a conservative, in that it preserves them from the public disgrace of announcing cases of rape, incest, and fornication/adultery. However this same approach can backfire, in that a very open libertarian approach to abortion can aid in covering up cases of rape and incest, in that many times victims are afraid to inform the authorities of the crime, because they perceive future harm from doing so.

In the end of the day, at least from a legislative perspective, it is not a black & white issue. Every society would then need to make decisions based on its needs and necessities. The whole issue is exacerbated by new methods of abortion which make it that much easier to obtain, such as the morning after pill, etc.

Other issues that must be considered are those of Muslim doctors and pharmacists who are asked to perform abortions or dispense pills that cause them. What would or should their position be, or does this like the woman go back to personal ethics and morals?

I’d be interested to hear from health care professionals, women’s care providers, and ethics majors on this. Those that would like to present more of the first group of scholars opinion are more than welcome to as well.

Any thoughts?

* if anyone has the online references for the hadith mention please add them to the comments and I will add them in the post.

linked: Does a convert have to leave her non-Muslim husband?

Does a convert have to leave her non-Muslim husband?

Covers the issue as presented by the European Council for Fatwa and Research.

The english link to the original article doesn’t work. The Arabic can be found here.

PSA (5): the Wali’s role in ensuring comfort, affection, and mercy

Previously in this series:
Public Service Announcement: The Wali in Islam (1)
PSA (2): Why the Wali?
PSA (3): Why the Wali (continued)?
PSA (4): What does a Wali look for? (Main objectives of Islam)

Marriage, an institution sanctioned by Islam, has objectives or ideals for which it was sanctioned. These were alluded to previously when mentioning the verses:

{وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجاً لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ }
الروم21

((And from his signs is that he created you from yourselves wives, so that you can go to them in comfort; He placed between you two affection and mercy.
In this are true signs for a people that think)) 30:21

As well as this verse:

{هُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا لِيَسْكُنَ إِلَيْهَا فَلَمَّا تَغَشَّاهَا حَمَلَتْ حَمْلاً خَفِيفاً فَمَرَّتْ بِهِ فَلَمَّا أَثْقَلَت دَّعَوَا اللّهَ رَبَّهُمَا لَئِنْ آتَيْتَنَا صَالِحاً لَّنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الشَّاكِرِينَ }الأعراف189

((It is He who created you from one soul, and from that soul its mate, so that he may find comfort in her. When he consummated with her, she carried a child for a short time. When she then had a lasting pregnant, they together called upon God: ‘If you give us a righteous child then we will surely be thankful’ )) 7:189

Based on these two verses, we see that Marriage has three main objectives: comfort, affection, and mercy. Two results of the marital bond are also mentioned, namely procreation and intercourse.

What then is a Wali (Guardian) to do so that these three main objectives will be met?

Comfort

Comfort is used here as a translation for the Arabic word “Sakinah”. “Sakinah” comes from a root word that connotes rest and stillness. Tranquility might be another good word for “Sakinah”, yet I chose comfort here for a reason. When something is tranquil, it is motionless, and in an inanimate state. It does not necessarily follow from that that it is at peace with itself and others. Comfort however seems to give us a sense that wherever the person is, they are tranquil, at peace, and feels a sense of safety.

Comfort then is what one spouse should feel with the other; a sense of belonging, a sense of safety, and a sense of peace both inner and outer. No doubt that a Wali cannot see into the future, neither can he look into the heart of the prospective suitor and tell his feelings. There are however several things that a Wali can do to ensure comfort between the two newlyweds, if God ordains them to be in the future.

One thing that must be looked for is compatibility. Besides the desirable traits that we mentioned earlier in the last post (looks, finances, etc.) there are other traits that should be looked for to determine if the two are compatible. Those who marry are usually similar in education, religiousness, hobbies, and (sometimes) political views. Other attributes are taken into consideration as well, such as cultural background, cultural similarities, and or the ability to adapt to a competing culture.

Most of these traits have been alluded to or can be correlated to those mentioned under the main objectives of Islam (see last post). However, hobbies, likes/dislikes, and culture were largely not. Classical works of Islamic Law and practice are full of discussions on the compatibility, and quite embarrassingly the permissibility, of people from different cultures and races marrying. However strange as this may sound for many of us who have grown up in very multi-cultural, pluralistic environments, there is a hint of wisdom in this discussion. Not going to the extremes of declaring such marriages null and void, we can however see that cultural differences and the ability to adapt to them do play a big part in the success of a marriage or not. An example of this can be found in the marriage of Zayd ibn Harithah (the Messenger’s adopted son) and Zaynab bint Jahsh.

Zayd was from the tribe of Kalb, and was stolen as a child and sold in Makkah. Khadijah bought Zayd and gave him as a gift to the Prophet, who then freed him and took him in as a son (all of this before Islam). Zaynab however was from the prestigious tribe of Quraysh, and at first saw her marriage to Zayd as below her, yet at the encouragement of the Messenger she married him and they lived for some time together. The marriage however did work out, and they were unable to find common ground because of the disparity in upbringing and social status. Zayd then divorced her, and she later married the Messenger of God by Quranic dictate.

The point here is that this disparity in upbringing (which no doubt includes education and social skills), social status (which holds sway over feelings of self-worth and self-esteem) eventually had an affect on the marriage of two believers. This is yet another testimony that “As long as he has Islam then everything else is meaningless” is not to be taken at face value.

There were marriages amongst the Companions that did have disparities in background and social status and were successful. The marriages of Julaybib and Bilal ibn Abi Rabah are two cases in point. Because of these successful cases, which were sanctioned by the Prophet himself, it makes it hard to validate what some scholars of the past mentioned regarding marriage between people of different cultures and races. Nevertheless, the above scenario of Zayd and Zaynab should be warning that consideration of such traits is not “meaningless”, and that overcoming cultural disparities is as much of an uphill battle as overcoming economic and spiritual ones between spouses. A Wali is then well advised not to put the woman he represents through undue stress and humiliation by marrying her to someone that she will not be able to find comfort with.

Comfort not only encompasses the physical, but the mental and spiritual as well. A woman who is not attracted to or drawn back from a man should not have to live with him. This reason alone is valid grounds for a Divorce (of the Khulu’ type). The wife of Thabit ibn Qays is reported to have told the Messenger “If it wasn’t for the fear of God, I would have spit in the man’s face.” She considered him that ugly, and feared that continuing in the marriage would cause her to violate her fear of God.

When a person is not comfortable with their spouse, they will not be comfortable with the outcome of that marriage. Children here come to mind directly. When a person sees those traits that they dislike in their children, it can be a stinging reminder of bad choices made early on, and cause considerable hurt to the children who grow up feeling a sense of disdain from one or both of their parents. Because of this it has been narrated that the Messenger said “Choose well for your progeny; marry those compatible to you, and marry them off as well.” [Narrated by Ibn Majah from Aishah]

Any woman considering marriage as well should be advised of the social stress she will incur because of her choice of spouse and choose wisely; does she really want to put up with this for the rest of her life? Does she want to deal with the In-laws, the prejudiced vile people, and all the other baggage? Some can hack it, some can’t. Depending upon the type of community you are in, the openness of your family, and your patience and fortitude, you will need to make careful considerations not for yourself but for your future children. Any one acting as a Wali should be sure to bring this up when advising a woman considering marriage.

Affection

Affection was alluded to earlier when mentioning the hadith:

“Marry a loving, fertile spouse; for I will take joy in your numbers on the Day of Judgment.”

Commentators on the previous hadith mentioned that “loving” includes kind speech, service, etiquette, and cheerfulness. It also includes friendship and harmony. The ability to communicate feelings and emotions is another important issue. Different cultures and upbringings do this in different ways, and some do not do it at all. Not comprehending this can cause undue stress and tension after marriage, which could have been prevented had proper counseling and consideration of both people’s needs been taken place.

All of these are forms of human emotional capital that if not found naturally in that person and his family, may be acquired later on through exercising these good traits and mixing with those people that have them. A Wali should then look to the family of the proposing husband, and see if this type of character is found amongst them. He should also look to the friends and close acquaintances of the person, and ask about how he is in private, public, and how he has developed as a person over the years. With that last point, care should be taken not to be fooled by “Johnny-come-lately’s” who although may exhibit impeccable character for the public eye, are relatively new to practice (regardless of being converts or from Muslim families) and may be doing so for more pretentious reasons (especially if he’s trying to get married).

Next up: Mercy

PSA (4): What does a Wali look for? (Main objectives of Islam)

Previously in this series:
Public Service Announcement: The Wali in Islam (1)
PSA (2): Why the Wali?
PSA (3): Why the Wali (continued)?

We ended the last post stating that the presence of a Wali (guardian) is one of the three things that guarantee that marriage lives up to the objectives that where set for it as an institution.

What is it then that the Wali is supposed to do so as to insure that those objectives of comfort, affection, and mercy are met; So that the din, life, lineage, mental health and wealth of that woman, or better yet future couple, are met?

What does a Wali do?

One of the express purposes for writing this series of posts was to bring awareness to the issues surrounding having or needing a Wali (Guardian). So many sisters, both converts and those with Muslim relatives complain (rightfully) that the men of the community are not stepping up to the plate to prevent the meddling and abuse that is loaded on to the better half of the community in the form of serial marriage, irresponsible parentage, and physical, mental, and verbal abuse.

We spoke previously about the objectives of Islam, and how that having a Wali is one mechanism that was legislated to protect those objectives. As mentioned previously, the main objectives of marriage are to achieve comfort, affection, and mercy. There are two other objectives which were alluded to yet are not primary factors in marriage, i.e. marriage was not legislated for them and them alone; by these two I mean sexual intercourse (procreation being a subset of that) and financial care.

These are important no doubt, however if marriage is contracted on the basis of these two alone they will not lead the couple to mental clarity and inner peace which are essential for spiritual growth and are key in realizing the greatness objective of Islam by far, namely affirming the oneness of God Almighty. The broader, main objectives of Islam were spoken of also and are essential to the institution of marriage as a whole, and are supported by those that deal specifically with marriage. Because of this we’ll start by mentioning how or what the Wali is to ensure for the one he is representing so that these objectives can be realized.

The Main Objectives of Islam as relates to
what the Wali is to look for in suitor

No doubt the religion of Islam, the Din, is the utmost objective in all of our lives. Life, family, mental health and wealth all serve this great purpose. Because of this, one of the most important things that a person is to look for in a spouse is their adherence to Islam. This isn’t to say that the other four considerations are not to be taken into account. In fact these four are to be considered when looking for a spouse.

Many that would like to tell you “Islam is the only answer” or “As long as he has Islam then everything else is meaningless” are not only giving bad advice, but are lacking a holistic view of the texts and meanings of Islam as found in the Quran and Sunnah. A popularly quoted hadith states:

A woman is married for four reasons: Her wealth, her status, her beauty, and her Din. Take the one with Din and you will be successful.

This hadith was narrated from Abu Hurayrah by both Bukhari and Muslim, and is no doubt authentic. However, for one to declare the type of open ended statements such as the above based on this hadith is not only shallow in interpretation, but also departs from the statements of the scholars of the past. Firstly, it is important to note that texts that are directed to the Muslim community in the masculine are applicable in their rulings to women as well, unless there is evidence to the contrary, this is a principle agreed upon by the scholars.

That said, we can safely say that not just men, but women as well marry for one of those four considerations above. Is it however the case that a woman should only look for a man with Din, and disregard his ability to provide for a family, show affection and love, and satisfy her emotionally and sexually? In a hadith narrated by Muslim, Fatima bint Qays narrates:

I came to the Messenger of God after having finished my post-divorce waiting period, and mentioned to him that Mu’awiyah ibn Abi Sufyan and Abu Jahm al-Khatbani had proposed to me. At this the Messenger of God replied “As for Mu’awiyah then he’s broke, and has no money, and as for Abu Jahm then he never takes his stick off his shoulder (in another narration: He’s a woman-beater). Go and marry Usamah ibn Zayd.” I disliked that, so he said again “Marry Usamah.” I then did as he said and found great good in him, and became possessive and jealous of him.

Both Mu’awiyah and Abu Jahm were companions of the Prophet, and as such were undeniably “Religious” people. However, we find that the Prophet (who was acting as her Wali in this case), had prior knowledge of her possible suitors, and with no qualms clarified their deficiencies, despite of their “religious” identity; so in this case even though they had Islam “everything else” WAS NOT “meaningless”.

When we examine the biographies of the three suitors involved here, we also find that the Messenger’s suggestion of Usamah not only was to suggest an un-abusive and financially responsible candidate for marriage in addition to his religiousness, but an educated one as well, in that Usamah had been raised in the home of the Messenger and his father Zayd was a skilled businessman. All this shows that education and skill level are as important in determining a spouse as financial capability and emotional compatibility. Even though Usamah was not of the highest tribal standing in comparison to Mu’awiyah and Abu Jahm, he was however in good social standing with the Messenger and thus the Muslims as a whole (as known through several other hadith). This consideration has an immense effect on children born in the future, knowing that they are of good lineage and social standing by virtue of their and their parents Islam and due diligence in implementing its tenets in deed and word is of utmost importance in raising confident Muslim children (tommorrow’s leaders).

Therefore a Wali should review possible suitors for their background history, and be frank with the woman being proposed to about such things that would not help to protect a woman’s financial stability (wealth) or her physical well being (life), the two of which have an immense effect on mental health (yet another main objective of Islam.)

Iron Rings: An Objection and its answer

One objection which is made to inquiring about a man’s financial state and his ability to support a family is the infamous hadith of “the iron ring” in that a man was asked to bring only an iron ring as a bride-purse (mahr) for a woman. This hadith, which must be contextualized to be understood, was classified by the scholars of Islam as pertaining to women and men of low social economic status, and not a hard-fast rule for how much a bride-purse (Mahr) should or must be. The man in this case was incapable to provide anything else, and so the Messenger started with objects of value, and then worked down until he suggested a mere iron ring. Other considerations can be taken from this hadith, but those will be discussed later, God willing.

Any man that values a woman will not settle on giving a woman something that does not symbolize his value for her and secure the marital bond. Additionally, any woman that values herself will not settle for a bride-purse (Mahr) that leaves her with no financial security and leverage over her prospective husband.

While many places in the Muslim world have a problem with ridiculously high bride-purses (Mahr) which make marriage difficult and as a result call all sorts of sexual repression and social ills, in the United States bride-purses of extremely low or no value have caused serial marriage and a general disregard for the sanctity of marriage, marital responsibility, and spousal/parental investment.

Two words to any woman that is offered only a ring from a brother, defending his action with the above hadith “Peep game”

Sex as a marital objective

In another hadith narrated by al-Bukhari, the Messenger of God says:

O young men, He from amongst who has “al-Ba’ah” (الباءة) then let him marry; it is closer to chastity, protects from illicit looks; those who can’t then let them fast as it will shield him.

The word “al-Ba’ah” (الباءة) linguistically means libido or sexual ability. While sex is important in a marriage, it is not all that marriage is about. In fact, due to the context of this hadith, scholars have said that what is mean by “al-Ba’ah” is not sexual prowess at all, but instead financial and physical ability to take care of a wife. If this wasn’t the case, then there would be on need for the Messenger of God to advise young men to fast, as most if not all young men that want to get married have the urging ability to have intercourse. Therefore what is meant here is the ability to financially support a wife, in addition to the ability to please her sexually.

The Messenger is mentioned as having said in one hadith:

“Marry a loving, fertile spouse; for I will take joy in your numbers on the Day of Judgment.”

This is another instance that mental health is mentioned as an objective. Another objective here is that of lineage and procreation; fertility being a sign of the ability to satisfy sexually, and as mentioned previously this is applicable to men and women. One consideration then should be whether or not the person being considered plays sports, is active, and in good health. Not that that is a necessity, but bad health is a defect which can cause the marriage to be annulled if not announced prior to the marriage. More on defects and the effect they have on the marriage contract will be spoken on later.

“Men are the maintainers of women…” is the meaning of the verse (4:34). All of this then sets the standard that men are to be the primary bread-earners for the Muslim family. Not to say that women are not permitted to work and earn their own wealth, but that men bear the responsibility of taking care of the family, even if his wife is rich. Woman considering prospective suitors should be well aware and take this into consideration, and any Wali should specifically ask about the yearly and monthly earnings of any man proposing, so that charm, good looks, or even worse superficial aspects of “Din” don’t blind a sister from looking into the future and seeing whether or not this possible future husband will be able to provide or even be around to do so.

From the above, we can see that a Wali must take into consideration those things that will guarantee that a woman’s marriage will help fulfill and protect the main objectives of Islam:

1- Din: By finding a religious and openly adherent man to propose

2- Life: by finding an agreeable non-abusive spouse

3- Wealth: by finding a financially stable and responsible spouse. Education is included in this.

4- Mental health: By finding an emotionally agreeable person, who’s religious, financial, and emotional stability will provide an amicable marital environment for the woman seeking a spouse.

5- Lineage and procreation: through finding a person of good social standing, who is loving, and able to fulfill the sexual needs of the woman in question.

Next time, God willing: Ensuring comfort, affection, and mercy and the Wali’s role

PSA (3): Why the Wali (continued)?

Previously: PSA (2)

The first fundamental, is the manner in which the marital bond is created.

In a very long hadith mentioned by al-Bukhari in his Sahih, Aishah describes the forms of marriage that were prevalent in the time of Jahiliyyah. The first was similar to marriage as practiced now; a man would approach a woman’s guardian, propose for marriage, pay her bride-purse, and marry her.

PSA (2): Why the Wali?

Why the Wali?

Asking “Why the Wali?” is like asking “Why marry?”

So then “Why marry?”

Islam came with objectives, higher ideals that when implemented allow people to live in peace and harmony, and with the least number of problems as possible. Life, like marriage, imitates itself, and many people think that Islam came to eradicate evil off the face of the earth. This is an incorrect statement and an impossible goal (when left to man to accomplish).

Public service Announcement: (1) The Wali in Islam

See Also:

• PSA (2): Why the Wali?
• PSA (3): Why the Wali (continued)?
• PSA (4): What does a Wali look for? (Main objectives of Islam)
• PSA (5): the Wali’s role in ensuring comfort, affection, and mercy
• PSA (6): Mercy in the marital relationship (…new as of 05/20/07…)

Introduction

This is a PSA, or Public Service Announcement, concerning the problems of finding, having, and working with a Wali; either a relative, one selected by you or for you (if you happen to be a convert).

For women who are from Muslim families, there is generally no problem in finding a Wali (guardian) to represent them when trying to find a spouse. For many converts, the process can be a nightmare. And for some community leaders it’s an equally bad dream.

Walis who are unfit for leading the prayer much less marrying someone’s daughter off, others who have their (or their friends) best interest in mind, and still others that are so weak-minded that they obey the every whim of the sister involved are rampant and wide-spread.

Many men will dupe a new sister into representation, and she as a new Muslim will go hook, line, and sinker for this apparently ‘religious’ brother who will represent her. Many times extremely arbitrary issues are used to judge why he should be a Wali, such as adherance to a ‘Manhaj’, a tariqah, which Shaykh (from whatever group a person may ascribe to) he takes from, and even beard size and Kufi-style.

In some communities you will find that women are married without proper advice, counsel, and knowledge of who they are marrying. When problems in the marraige ensue, the so-called Wali washes his hands of any wrong doing, and says that a sister should’ve know what she was getting into. On the other hand, she takes the issue into her own hands, and then when she is down and out, blames the community for not representing her and protecting her rights.

Based on this, some questions need to be answered: